red rock candy

bruises litter me like mold in an abandoned place

if they were yours, they'd be strung over me like a necklace

you'd give me pearls, in concept

a strawberry milkshake, you'd take me out

hand me a strawberry alone, my juice covered lips wet

i don't think you'd hurt me even if i'd ask

if i cried,

              yelled, 

                       screamed, 

                                broke down in the street,

(you get the point)

but i would still ask

and trust you, 

past the punches and kicks

and love you, 

past blood on my lips

anything from you, 

strawberry sweet

struck-love

i was told, offhand

"you hold onto that thing like a rosary"

your necklace wrapped through fingers, and around my hand 

pendant hanging against my palm, leaving an indentation as i grip it tight

"...yeah?"

i'm not christian or catholic, or of any denomination but

i've held it up like an icon, an offering

during scenes, and songs that remind me of you

kissed it in my anxiety, and my affection

it lays next to my heart

like a tether, like a rope

pulled taught from distance, made soft from wear

fidgeting it round my wrist, wish your hand was in my hair

on the rails

my hands look dead today

tinted blue, stained black

feel dead today

the medication, making my hands stick

or is that just the nervous sweat

and my heart overbeating (overbearing)

or is it wearing three layers indoors

my ribcage could give way,

could cave in.

the thrumming inside of it,

acceleration to a collapse.  

we've made up (out)

of this mess before,

and we'll do it again.

staged up

chattering jaw

open maw

fucking freezing

sight receding

blood down thighs 

and muffled cries

body killing itself

soot out of myself

my shell 

my shadow

its not even there

i'm not even here

were we even there?

are you even here?

...

....

and then, his smoke drifts into my eyes.