(un)holy love

pastries from the supermarket
sweetness in the void
they are like a blanket
over all the noise
bits and bytes and
crushed audio voice calls
see you in a thousand pixels
lest its deeper that i fall
an unlikely place
a short & tall pair
goals that i work toward

a tank full of air
my safety and my ward
oh for my consistency
i push onward

underwater

everyone i know, 

is moving up in life

incessantly bored

giving me strife

years, careers 

degrees, no fleas

i itch at my skin

and it begs me to bleed

a foot hangs off my bed 

a foot in the grave

im not getting anywhere 

by just staying safe

fish in the water 

so quick and so clean

an eel, in the darkness 

that's more like me

wet winter

i'm still waiting for your plane, taxi, car, train. i can’t keep waiting, just go. please leave. that motormouth will take you wherever you want, whirring and buzzing along, the occasional stutter or single syllable speedbump the only thing that stops you.

i don’t have much in comparison to you. full of thunderclouds and dreams and dissatisfying satisfactions. tiny little drips of words drip drop, drip drop, until suddenly good old indy comes sprinting through, giant rolling sphere hot on his trail like a bowling ball knocking down all the pins of resistance.

then it’s not a drip, it’s a flood, and i’ll fucking drown you in me.

bumping down the road, teeth gnawing through your lips. there’s a canyon up ahead, but you don’t look at the forest for the trees. don’t worry, i’ll catch you, for the crags and the spires and the danger at the bottom will turn to dust at my wish.

reality. oh my roiling, lazy guts filled with nothing but instamessage bloops and noxious coffee grounds. that’s nothing that anyone (anyonemeaningyouormeoryouoranyone) wants to see.

blame the music

watch what you say, you fool

when words don't mean enough

keep your mouth shut.

spending days in the depths of my mind

dim lights and dim soul

busying my hands, ignore the crawling rot

and its not an easy thing to flee

when all you wanted is death

but your heart yearns for life

living calm and simple and slow

slow love, so slow love

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

it wont stop. it wont cease. it will try so hard to live for you it will kill you. 

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

the creature inside the tank of your skull does.

it wants to stop. the stress to cease. it will try so hard to live for you it will kill you.

but is it worth it? 

to continue

to stop

to wait

to meander on and push through

thorns and brittle branches 

out into the sea of grasses 

a clearing, a calming 

will you not just lay down to die there? 

is it not the same? 

is it really worth it to die with a beautiful view?

world is a stage

the burning hot shame

why would you think you could be like them?

put yourself aside, step back

your contribution is best done in the wings

its known you're not built for center stage

stage left, 

or stage right

why do you think you'll amount to that?

your work is of the sidelines

dust and debris contributing to the energy of brightly lit stars

be the best kept secret theyll ever know

setting up beams to hold a whole scene

take off that heart on your wrist, put it on ice

support support and don't choke on your own creations

crawling their way out of your ribcage, under your skin 

try to forget your roots, the nerves anchoring flesh to feeling

stare out to the cement walls and cobblestone, scream as loud as you can

no one made out of soft clay like you will ever come help

stained hands and aching bones

aching groups and stained streets

making you so different and so similar

it all blends into something grey

red rock candy

bruises litter me like mold in an abandoned place

if they were yours, they'd be strung over me like a necklace

you'd give me pearls, in concept

a strawberry milkshake, you'd take me out

hand me a strawberry alone, my juice covered lips wet

i don't think you'd hurt me even if i'd ask

if i cried,

              yelled, 

                       screamed, 

                                broke down in the street,

(you get the point)

but i would still ask

and trust you, 

past the punches and kicks

and love you, 

past blood on my lips

anything from you, 

strawberry sweet

struck-love

i was told, offhand

"you hold onto that thing like a rosary"

your necklace wrapped through fingers, and around my hand 

pendant hanging against my palm, leaving an indentation as i grip it tight

"...yeah?"

i'm not christian or catholic, or of any denomination but

i've held it up like an icon, an offering

during scenes, and songs that remind me of you

kissed it in my anxiety, and my affection

it lays next to my heart

like a tether, like a rope

pulled taught from distance, made soft from wear

fidgeting it round my wrist, wish your hand was in my hair

on the rails

my hands look dead today

tinted blue, stained black

feel dead today

the medication, making my hands stick

or is that just the nervous sweat

and my heart overbeating (overbearing)

or is it wearing three layers indoors

my ribcage could give way,

could cave in.

the thrumming inside of it,

acceleration to a collapse.  

we've made up (out)

of this mess before,

and we'll do it again.

staged up

chattering jaw

open maw

fucking freezing

sight receding

blood down thighs 

and muffled cries

body killing itself

soot out of myself

my shell 

my shadow

its not even there

i'm not even here

were we even there?

are you even here?

...

....

and then, his smoke drifts into my eyes.

sold as a set

i want to silence everything but you

you should be the only thing to bring me out of my half consciousness

you're like a spirit passing through me

energy in my flesh bone and tendons 

and i kiss your half of our necklace every time i put it under my shirt 

eating a hole through my ribcage 

hot boiling sugar candy

melding into my heart

though the other half sits in my jewelry box waiting

i know you feel it

i feel you too

going on and on and on

we should all just sit down

and think

think to ourselves about the time spent:
together

apart

together

apart

up
and down

and all over again
lips on mine

your mouth is like leather
keeping me warm
or, too fucking sweaty
smothering me in the heat of the world

never used to run so cold
your hands used to be the dead ones

guess we should both be

similar spoilage

damp hay

stale pasta

cardboard out in the rain

dirty apartment

mold and mildew

at least theres something living here

at least somethings growing

even in the dark corners

for me i stay the same

stagnant

attracting mosquitos

cracked mug

lines black from infection

not of much use now is it

becoming happy (inexpensive)

walk alone sing alone have your lonely dance

douse yourself in dollar store perfume, smile because you love fake vanilla

be picky be cheap have your nasty moments

its whats makes us human, baby, bare your yellowing teeth in the mirror

pick up feathers, trinkets, lives left for the garbage

get dirty, get clean, dust off the unwanted and un-want to be dust

we're animals in societal shells trying to adapt for the dollar

bird bones blown over

sore teeth sore toes

scratched hands with the shaking

wet eyes red nose

from each end i am aching

fucking bullshit that pain is

drown out all the sameness

touch me touch me touch me take me down

condemn me strip me c4 to my bones

to smithereens, i'll surround