au contraire

"weird dog there," he says.

"lol, it's nothing, i neglect to mention him anyways," they say, with my leash dangling off their wrist.

it's such a passé thing, a pet, a lover,

and each of them know they could find another.

bile, jealousy, acting out, chewing on your shoes

sometimes i wonder if you ever knew-

fast forward, flashback,

misconstrued words, and minor heart attacks.

i was a shithead then, all bark, couldn't bite,

vowed to never be that animal again, i'll,

scratch and claw and burn inside,

watching you from where i hide.

you deserve friends and adoration, 

jokes and exclamations,

but i will remain, a shaking tender beast, 

tired from the noise, sleeping at your feet.

underwater

everyone i know, 

is moving up in life

incessantly bored

giving me strife

years, careers 

degrees, no fleas

i itch at my skin

and it begs me to bleed

a foot hangs off my bed 

a foot in the grave

im not getting anywhere 

by just staying safe

fish in the water 

so quick and so clean

an eel, in the darkness 

that's more like me

wet winter

i'm still waiting for your plane, taxi, car, train. i can’t keep waiting, just go. please leave. that motormouth will take you wherever you want, whirring and buzzing along, the occasional stutter or single syllable speedbump the only thing that stops you.

i don’t have much in comparison to you. full of thunderclouds and dreams and dissatisfying satisfactions. tiny little drips of words drip drop, drip drop, until suddenly good old indy comes sprinting through, giant rolling sphere hot on his trail like a bowling ball knocking down all the pins of resistance.

then it’s not a drip, it’s a flood, and i’ll fucking drown you in me.

bumping down the road, teeth gnawing through your lips. there’s a canyon up ahead, but you don’t look at the forest for the trees. don’t worry, i’ll catch you, for the crags and the spires and the danger at the bottom will turn to dust at my wish.

reality. oh my roiling, lazy guts filled with nothing but instamessage bloops and noxious coffee grounds. that’s nothing that anyone (anyonemeaningyouormeoryouoranyone) wants to see.

blame the music

watch what you say, you fool

when words don't mean enough

keep your mouth shut.

spending days in the depths of my mind

dim lights and dim soul

busying my hands, ignore the crawling rot

and its not an easy thing to flee

when all you wanted is death

but your heart yearns for life

living calm and simple and slow

slow love, so slow love

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

it wont stop. it wont cease. it will try so hard to live for you it will kill you. 

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

the animal muscle in your birdcage ribs does not want to die

the creature inside the tank of your skull does.

it wants to stop. the stress to cease. it will try so hard to live for you it will kill you.

but is it worth it? 

to continue

to stop

to wait

to meander on and push through

thorns and brittle branches 

out into the sea of grasses 

a clearing, a calming 

will you not just lay down to die there? 

is it not the same? 

is it really worth it to die with a beautiful view?